He was coming down the pike when Red Abalone One approached him and demanded retribution for the many years of abuse his family had suffered at the hands of his henchmen. If the beatings were not bad enough, the junk food hangovers were enough to kill. Only very recently have Red Abalone physicians determined, through painstaking research, that consuming large amounts of caffeine and sugar along with heavy emulsified fats, partially hydrogenated oils, MSG, and copious amounts of salt, will inevitably result in an overall feeling of something between nausea, headache, confusion, dizziness, and generally unpleasant mild panic and disorientation. Leaving the theatre, (where roughly seventy percent of severe junk food hangovers occur), the heart races, the head pounds, and the skin feels oily and clammy at the same time, while the stomach feels fuzzily empty despite having consumed approximately three hundred and fifty thousand calories in the last two hours. The victim feels even sicker the moment they smell the fake oil used in the popcorn, and craves 100% pure Florida orange juice not from concentrate, a bed or sofa, pillow and blanket, solitude, and dim lighting.
Those adventurous movie goers who are game enough to sauté a few Red Abalone and slip them surreptitiously into the theatre in big pockets, backpack, or purse, will avoid this eventuality, and enjoy a much healthier snack experience, even if it is canned Red Abalone. They need not fear retribution from the Red Abalone brigade or gung-ho theatre ushers, because when we watch movies, we eat our snacks in the dark.
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